A Letter to My Daughter

I have a daughter. She left me very early. I never even got to meet her here. I know I will meet her in heaven one day though. I'll be able to look into her big beautiful eyes, with the same long lashes as her brothers. I'll stroke her soft dark curls and hold her for hours.
What I am writing now she will never need. I am writing what I would've told her (and will tell any daughter's I may have in the future) had she lived and grown on this earth.
This is not only for my daughter's but all of the daughter's of God.
First of all, you are beautiful. God created every woman with beauty, no matter what she looks like. You are beautiful because you reflect part of Him.
You are a princess in every way. You were created to live and be treated as such. You were not created for the harsh conditions of this world. You were created to live and walk and bask in the presence of the Living God. You were created to be treated carefully and preciously. You were created to dance, love, sing, laugh and enjoy life.
You are God's beautiful princess. He desires to hold you in His hand's and love you and protect you, and to see His joy and peace in your eyes.
You are strong. Not in the ways that a man is strong, but in the ways God knew women would need to be strong to survive this world.
Your love is strong and fierce. It goes beyond words. The love women feel as mothers is similar to the love that God feels for His children.Your love can break down walls and build up strong men and women with hearts for God.
Your faith is strong. As women the faith we can have in those we love can be unfathomable. Make sure your faith is in God and those who truly know him.
You are delicate. Not only are women delicate physically but also spiritually and emotionally. Some women would disagree with me on this. But I believe God created us this way for a reason. Your body, spirit and emotions are like precious jewels. None of these aspects of you are meant to be handled harshly or by many people. They are delicate and should be kept only for those who will handle them carefully.
With your body, do your best to keep it healthy and beautiful in the eyes of God. Remember it is His temple.
With your emotions, do not throw them about freely and do not let others stir them up excessively. They are good when used properly but they are not meant to be your guide.
With your spirit, this is the part of you that is the most precious to God. But remember it is also affected by every other aspect of your being and life. So guard it carefully and diligently please.
Above all my beautiful Princess, remember that you are a daughter of the Living God. You are precious and set aside to do His perfect will. And He loves you... enough that He sacrificed His Son for you.

Love,
Mama

P.S.
I can't wait to see you in heaven...

The Tree Doesn’t Shine as Bright This Year

This year the Christmas Tree doesn’t shine as bright . There is a bulb that has burnt out. It lived its life in this strand of lights and did all that it could to keep the tree shining bright. It burned oh so bright, some may say it was the brightest light of all the lights.
But it did its job and it grew tired. It tried to hang on, knowing that it was what kept that tree shining so bright. The Tree Keeper saw the light flickering and knew that it was weary. Then he looked at the other light’s and saw them burning dimly never burning as bright as they may, because they all depended on the brightest light. He gently pulled that light from its strand and put it in a safe place, where it would never flicker again and would shine brighter than ever.
The other lights began to flicker, when they saw the Tree Keeper take that light. They knew that their tree would not be as bright this year. They wondered if they would ever shine as bright again. The Tree Keeper watched that tree carefully knowing that it was struggling to shine at all. He watched that tree for several days. Then one day when all the lights seemed to be fading away at the loss of their brightest light, He spoke to that tree, He said:
I did not take her to make you flicker and fade.
I took her that the rest of you might push through your pain,
Become stronger, learn to work together,
and that each of you might learn to shine brighter than ever.
If you each persevere and shine your brightest,
Your tree will one day be the brightest tree of all again.
I am sorry for your loss. I feel your pain.
I love you.
I did not take that light to hurt you.

Keepin' it 100

SO my last post was desperate and depressing, but sometimes I feel that way. I feel so utterly lost and alone. But what can we be, if we can't be real with each other?
We all try so hard to be perfect, and to be right. Especially as Christians, we don't really let each other see our real hearts. Sure we let out the love and kindness and let it shine out like we're care bear's with a big sun beam coming out of our stomach's. But that's not REAL! We all get angry and hurt and sad. None of us are immune to our humanity and all the emotions and sorrow that comes with it. So why do we act like we are?
Were are the Christian Samaritan's? We all want to celebrate and join in the festivities when everything is great and we are happy. But when we are lying on the side of the road with huge gaping emotional wounds and are crying out for help, how often is it the Christian that walks on by. Or maybe they stop and look at you and say "Get Up!" "Don't you know who you are in Christ" "Don't you know he's healed you" " Get over it".Yet it was Jesus himself who told us to be like the Samaritan and to care for that wounded person, to feed and clothe and mend there wounds. We want to reach out and help those who don't know Christ we want to lead them to Him and show them the way, but the one's we've already led we leave to fend for themselves. Maybe I'm wrong in this but that just doesn't sound right.
We here about the miracles and physical healing's but what about the emotional wound's? Are they being healed? And if they are, why don't we talk about them?
Is it fair to only want to see the happy cheery Christian all the time? Or maybe you've been struggling for a while and been down for a while and people are starting to ignore you thinking, "geez isn't she over that yet?" Why do we limit our compassion to only certain wounds,illnesses? Why do we put a time limit on our compassion? What if the Samaritan would have only brought the man to the hotel and left him to figure out the rest? Would he even have made it in the bible?
For you Christian's who try to be sunshine bear all the time, let's be honest it's not real. And for those of you who only want to deal with sunshine bear, remember, you will have your days' were you to are grumpy bear and need some compassion. For those of you who are grumpy bear right now, I understand, it won't always be this way, but don't feel that you have to hide it. Reach out and find someone who will help you heal.
Christ is our ultimate healer, but he's given us each other for a reason and that is to hold each other up when we feel we can't go on.

Tired of fighting.

I know that God has said that his burden is light. But I feel so weighed down. I know he has said not to grow weary. But I am so so tired.
I don't know were to go from here.
I feel like I have to FIGHT for everything in my life.
I have to fight for peace.
I have to fight for my sanity.
I have to fight for my children.
I have to fight for my marriage.
I have to fight for my family.
I have to fight for my relationship with God.
I am so tired of fighting. I don't know where to draw strength from anymore. I try and draw from the Lord. but it drains so quickly. I don't know how to be any stronger. I don't know were to turn from here. I am so alone. I'm losing my grip and I'm scared to fall. Will anyone catch me if I fall? I've always caught everyone else, who will catch me? Or will I fall to my end? GOD!!! Where are you? Please help me!!!! I am so tired. I can't go on like this much longer.
Will someone please catch me. Just reach out a hand and help me, please!!
Where is this strength, this river that will keep me always? Have I wondered away from it, if I have, I am sorry, HOW DO I GET BACK? How do I psh on through this?

Mourning

Sometimes I sit and mourn the things that I've missed out on. Thing's that I should've had, but was denied. I have been so blessed, but I have also been denied many thing's that as a child of the Living God I feel, I know I am entitled to. There are so many thing's. I won't list them all as I don't wan to hurt anyone's feeling's. But the hurt for me is deep and painful. I wonder if it was me, was I not someone to be loved enough to recieve these thing's? Was I not valued? Why did I not recieve the same blessing's bestowed on many other's that I see? How do I fill this void?

Trusting Him for beauty...

The last year has been a really rough one for me. It seems that through the building of my character there comes a lot of pain, fear, sorrow , and dissapointment. I know that might sound odd, but God is showing me that NOTHING is out of my strength, but all His. I thought I was doing thing's out of His but it was mostly out of my own. He is also showing me that despite what I thought was best for our family and what I wanted, while it wasn't wrong, it might not line up with His plans.There are some things that I'm really struggling to let go of, and it's not even that God has said "No" to these things he's just said "wait and trust, and I will do what's best for you".
This is the hardest part for me. Waiting. Trusting. In my head I keep going "well what if" or
"but it makes me so sad to let go". His Grace. His Grace. His Grace. That is the only way I will ever make it through this. I want so badly to know the future and to have security in my life and in the desires of my heart. Unfortunately on this earth, I can never have these thing's 100%. But I hold tightly to the fact that I have Heaven and an Awesome, Awesome Father waiting for me.
There are two verses that have helped me through this all.

Jeremiah 29:11:
11For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
Amplified Bible
Deuteronomy 31:8
8It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm].

This song I've also posted helps me so much. " I give it all to you God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiOL7PIi0o&feature=colike

Through the storm

Lately I have been wishing I could paint or draw, but I can't. That is not my gifting. But I can write! So I am going to "paint" if you will, with my words.





I open my eyes in the morning, this place I am in is unfamiliar, and frightening. I don't know how I got here, but I don't want to be here. "Why am I here?" I cry.





I am in one of those glass bottles that you sometimes see ships in. There is a storm raging in this bottle and within myself. I can see beyond the bottle the peace of everyday life. I can see my loved ones, even myself going through the motions.





Yet I am here in the midst of this horrifying storm. The clouds are as dark as the night sky, the lightning is sharp and forceful. The thunder is deafening and the rain and hail feel as though they pierce my skin. "Why am I here, Lord have mercy on me!"





It doesn't stop, it continues, it seems to go on for eternity. I fall on my face, the wind and rain continue to rush around me. The pain seems unbearable, "How will I survive this? Lord help me!" Then a hand touches my shoulder, I look up and there He sits next to me. Jesus. Weeping, with and for me, crying out to God on my behalf. The storm is still raging but my Jesus is here with me, that makes the pain and horror a little more bearable.





Slowly the storm settles to a mild rain. Sadness still overtakes me at times as does the fear, but I am now standing, holding the hand of my Lord and Savior. He was with me through it all the horrible storm and will stay with me forever.





Even when the sun's warmth touches my face and the raging storm has long since moved on He will stand rejoicing with me.





But for now the rain falls on our feet along with our tears, my hand is warmed by His and I know the sun will shine again.

Rose Petals

I sit here, worrying, again. I worry a lot. Well worrying at all is pointless, yet here I sit. My biggest fear is losing my children to hell, my second biggest fear is losing my children when they are young. I love these boys so much!

When I was younger, before I was married or had children. I wanted so badly to be loved, especially by a man. I wanted to be "his" favorite, at the top of "his" list, "his" priority, "his" love. I wanted to be important enough that "he" would die for me. Who is "he" you ask? Any man. I wanted somewhere to feel safe and loved and important. I wanted to know that "he" would do anything for me. I looked in the worst possible places for this man. I chose men who didn't even begin to know how to love a woman in these ways. They didn't know how and I didn't know who. I did crazy stupid things that could have cost me my life, to try and get these men to "love" me. Needless to say, it never worked, not once. I got, what I considered close to finding love, but it somehow always crashed.

God knew. It was Him. He was the one who could love me this way. I was His favorite, I was at the top of His list, I was His priority and His love. He had died for me and would do anything for me. He is the ultimate romancer, He knew me better than I knew myself, He knew exactly how to win me over. He knew where I was headed and that I was on a path toward life as a single parent. He knew that I needed to be loved on this earth by a man, and that this would help lead me to Him.

He set out my rose petals. As I walked, or should I say stumbled through my first pregnancy alone, he began to set out "rose petals". The father of my first child wanted nothing to do with me, and there was a rose petal, my parents welcomed me back home and promised to be there for me. I was lonely and scared and there was a rose petal of friends who were there for me and kept me company. As I went on to have my child and the pain I felt wondering how his father couldn't love him, there was a rose petal, God began to show me how he loved me the way I loved my child.

As I have gone on through life there have been many thorns, but behind them all there has always been a beautiful, soft rose petal.

Today God showed me an amazing rose petal. I wanted to be loved, by a man. Now in my life do I not only have the realization of God's love, but I also have the love of an amazing husband, who would do anything for me, but I also have the love of three little boys, who I would do anything for. And the most amazing thing of all is that not only am I recieving an abundance of that love that I desired for so long, but I get to raise these three little men to love their wives the way that Christ loves the church, that they would love so purely and sincerely that they would lay down their lives for their wives and families.

I do not need to fear for my children. They are in God's hand's just as I was. He loves them. He has long life and blessing's planned for them!

So why am I worried? There will always be rose petals!

Not Made for this World

There are days when I find myself so weary. I long so, so badly for ...
I can't put my finger on it.
I long for something I cannot reach, not from here.
I long for a connection that is supernatural.
I long for someone to truly see my soul.
I long to be loved perfectly.
I long
Oh how I long...
For HOME.
"Home?" you say,
"What do I mean?" you ask,
This is not my home!
I do not belong here!
I was not created for this place!
I was not created to experience sickness, sorrow, pain, dissapointment, rejection, war, poverty, loss, seperation or hate. I was NOT created to experience the many, many downfalls of this earth, I was not created to live and grow and flourish in a place were evil rules.
No I was created for something much greater. I was created to bask in the Glory of an almighty God. I was created to shine with the same glory. I was created to be loved perfectly. I was created to love others perfectly. I was created to be accepted. I was created to be perfect. I was. So were you.
I was created to rest in the strong arms of my awesome Father. I was created to praise and love Him with all my heart, soul, strength and all my mind. He loves me like this. And you.
No you see I was created for something much greater than this earth. So much greater. And someday I will be Home. And I will be in Perfect Love and Peace at all times.
Oh how I long for that day, how I long to be home with my Daddy.

2 Corinthians 5:8
" We are confident, I say, to be away from the body and at home with the Lord."

A Blank Pallet

You did not start as a blank pallet. Though many think this is so.

A blank pallet is empty and formless. It has no beauty or ugliness, no good or evil, no character or thought. It is nothing.

You did not begin as nothing. You began as something glorious and marvelous. So beautiful one cannot stand to gaze upon you, but cannot bare to look away.

You began with so much love. So much good and potential. You began with the strength to move mountains, the power to raise the dead, and the faith to love the unlovable.

You began pure and holy with no weakness or bondage. You began as no other creation has.


You see you did not begin as a blank pallet, but as a mirror. A mirror that reflects the perfect image of God.

Unfortunately this world is not made to preserve mirrors.

As the years go by and life happens, we become smudged, scratched, weak and broken.

BUT,

There is one thing and one thing only that can restore us back to that glorious reflection of God.

GRACE.

Grace doesn't even just put us back together for there would still be cracks. Grace makes us into an entirely new mirror again. Grace allows to reflect the perfect image of God, no matter how many times life cracks us.

You were never a blank pallet. You always have been and always will be a mirror. it is up to you what you reflect.

Give Me Jesus- Jeremy Camp

Give Me Jesus

Oh today has been one of "THOSE" days. Yes it has! Ready for bed already, but I have to figure out dinner and do baths and laundry and make a couple phone calls and try and do a little more cleaning. UGH! My patience is worn down to it's last layer and my nerves are worn completely raw. I've sighed probably a hundred times in the last two hours. Now that I've got all that out there I just have one thing to say "Give me Jesus" please. He is all I need. I keep listening to that song over and over. "You can have all this world" and it's troubles and stress and anger and dissapointment, just give me Jesus. " In the morning when I rise" and all day long while the kids fight and whine and my head hurts, and in the evening when I'm exhausted and in the middle of the night when I wake up and start worrying about the bills, just give me Jesus. "When I'm all alone" (haha yea right with three kids and a husband who works full time and goes to school that never happens) let's try when I FEEL alone, when I feel like I'm all alone and nobody understands or cares, just give me Jesus. "When I come to die" and my time here is done and the Lord has used me to his full here and has decided it is time for me to rest and have peace and joy and his love forever, GIVE ME JESUS with his arms wrapped around me and my tears wiped away on his shirt, and my whole heart filled with his love. GIVE ME JESUS.

Hiding Place

Sometimes I just want to runaway and hide from it all. I feel so weighed down by the responsibilities of being a mother, a wife, a friend, daughter, sister, even of being a christian. The problem is where ever I go, there I will be. I will still be there. I can't runaway from myself when ultimately that is who I want to run from. I don't want to run from my children, my husband, Jesus or anyone else just myself. I want to run from all the things in my past, I want to run from every wrong thing that still dwells in my heart, I want to run from my fear, doubt, worry, and anxiety. I want to run from the future, I want to run from the mistakes I make on a daily basis.

I feel so inadequate and unable to bear all that this life has for me. I am afraid of the future, even when it lies in the hands of God. I am afraid I won't be a good enough mother and that my children will suffer for it. I am afraid I am not supporting my husband enough, and not being a good helpmeet to him. I have lived with so much fear and condemnation on myself. I am ready to break free of it all.

Because JESUS died for ME! That is how I can say: I am MORE than adequate and able, I am NOT afraid of the future, because God's plans for me are for a future and a hope. I am a GREAT mother and helpmeet to my husband. I am NOT fearful or condemned. I am courageous and justified.

I want to run, but not away, TO the arms of Jesus.

Superhero's have Mommy's too!!!

Today was a looooooonnnnngggg day. I didn't sleep well, Donte didn't want to get up for school, Amon woke up whining, I was tired all day, Judah was sort of fussy, the big boys didn't want to listen at all this evening, and I'm exhausted!

On days like today it helps me to remember what I'm really doing here. I'm mothering three amazing little boys. They aren't just any little boys, they are little boys called by God to do amazing things for his kingdom. They are little superhero's. I know that God has a divine call and plan on their lives. Donte already has such a strong heart and hunger for understanding God and his word. Amon even with his little mood swinging self can have the sweetest heart and touch in the world when he wants to, and Judah, his name fits him well, he is my little praiser always smiling and laughing.

I'm still in awe that God has trusted me with raising these boys into the men He intends for them to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm in way over my head, then I realize on my own, I would have long ago drowned. BUT I have someone there holding me up not allowing me to fall, no matter how weary I get, making my feet like hinds' feet so that I can climb this mountain, JESUS.

I know that I could never do this on my own. But God is on my side and as he teaches me to trust and love him, he's showing me how to teach my children the same.

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" Joshua 24:15

Lord continue to strengthen me through you. Help me to remember that I can't do it out of my own strength, that I need to rely on You. Help me to set a Godly example for my children. Guide my steps and show me how raise them into the little superhero's that You've created them to be. In Jesus name, Amen.