I sit here, worrying, again. I worry a lot. Well worrying at all is pointless, yet here I sit. My biggest fear is losing my children to hell, my second biggest fear is losing my children when they are young. I love these boys so much!
When I was younger, before I was married or had children. I wanted so badly to be loved, especially by a man. I wanted to be "his" favorite, at the top of "his" list, "his" priority, "his" love. I wanted to be important enough that "he" would die for me. Who is "he" you ask? Any man. I wanted somewhere to feel safe and loved and important. I wanted to know that "he" would do anything for me. I looked in the worst possible places for this man. I chose men who didn't even begin to know how to love a woman in these ways. They didn't know how and I didn't know who. I did crazy stupid things that could have cost me my life, to try and get these men to "love" me. Needless to say, it never worked, not once. I got, what I considered close to finding love, but it somehow always crashed.
God knew. It was Him. He was the one who could love me this way. I was His favorite, I was at the top of His list, I was His priority and His love. He had died for me and would do anything for me. He is the ultimate romancer, He knew me better than I knew myself, He knew exactly how to win me over. He knew where I was headed and that I was on a path toward life as a single parent. He knew that I needed to be loved on this earth by a man, and that this would help lead me to Him.
He set out my rose petals. As I walked, or should I say stumbled through my first pregnancy alone, he began to set out "rose petals". The father of my first child wanted nothing to do with me, and there was a rose petal, my parents welcomed me back home and promised to be there for me. I was lonely and scared and there was a rose petal of friends who were there for me and kept me company. As I went on to have my child and the pain I felt wondering how his father couldn't love him, there was a rose petal, God began to show me how he loved me the way I loved my child.
As I have gone on through life there have been many thorns, but behind them all there has always been a beautiful, soft rose petal.
Today God showed me an amazing rose petal. I wanted to be loved, by a man. Now in my life do I not only have the realization of God's love, but I also have the love of an amazing husband, who would do anything for me, but I also have the love of three little boys, who I would do anything for. And the most amazing thing of all is that not only am I recieving an abundance of that love that I desired for so long, but I get to raise these three little men to love their wives the way that Christ loves the church, that they would love so purely and sincerely that they would lay down their lives for their wives and families.
I do not need to fear for my children. They are in God's hand's just as I was. He loves them. He has long life and blessing's planned for them!
So why am I worried? There will always be rose petals!
