Give Me Faith

I know that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. But sometimes it is so hard to hang onto that faith. When everything inside of me screams the opposite of what God says. How do I stand? I stand on the word of God, I try to anyway. But the rest of me curls up in this pain and doesn't know were to turn or what to do.
If we are healed why do we go throught these things??? Why do we not see the manifestation of our healing?!!!
If I scream it, If I say it a million times, what else do I do.?
And I feel that no one see's or really understands.
I know that God does, He has to, I know he has compassion for me and I'm so grateful that he knows what I'm going through, but I need a release.

This song, "Give me faith" says
" I may be weak, Your spirits strong in me... My flesh may fail, My God you never will... Give me faith to trust what you say, that your good, and your love is great, I'm broken inside I give you my life..."

Lord please help me. I know there is hope, I'm just trying to remember what it looks like.

Being like Peter

The story of Jesus walking on water is known to many and many know how Peter asked him, "If it is you Lord, let me come to you". Peter went to him and many will remember how Peter lost sight of the Lord and began to sink in the water. To many this can be a story that portrays lack of faith, but to me it is so much more than that it is a story of love, trust, faith, understanding and heroics.

When Peter saw that it was his beloved Lord he was so excited that he was willing to try and join him in WALKING ON WATER! How many of us would do that now? He loved him so much that he jumped out of the boat and went after his Jesus. Can you even imagine how much trust that had to take on Peters part, the story tells of the waves that were on the sea that day it would have been much easier to stay in the boat and watch the history be made. But Peter stepped out on a rocky sea by himself with no life jacket, to WALK, not even swim, but WALK.

Many think that because he falls, he lacks faith, that is not true at all, those who remained in the boat lacked faith. Peter stepped out. But because he was human, he did as all of us do at times, he took his eyes off of Jesus and began to focus on what was going on around him in the world. He saw the waves and saw that he was walking on water! I'd freak out too! So he fell.

This is just were the story gets good. He didn't drown, he didn't swim back to the boat, he didn't even flail around, because what did Jesus do??? He reached out and caught him. He saved him again. He understood that Peter was human and would need help, He knew.

" Oh you of little faith, Why did you doubt?" Jesus.

He wasn't saying that Peter lacked any faith. While Peter had great faith to even step out of the boat, he lost site of what was really important and of where his hope should lie. It's in Christ, not the storm around us, not in those back in the boat enjoying the show. If he only would've kept his eye's on Christ. Now while he could have had something so extraordinary in walking on water,  he had something better in realizing that Christ is there even when we fall, I bet if he'd had the opportunity again to walk on water with Jesus, he would have ran without fail to him, because he had seen Christ's faithfulness. 

What would've been?

May 26 is my dad's birthday, he will be 52 this year! I love my dad... But this year May 26 holds more for me, this would've been my due date for our fourth child. I lost her very early. But I can't help but wonder what would've been... She would've come early before May 26, my kids never make it till their due dates. She would've been a girl, something inside just tells me that. She would've been big and healthy. She would've had lots of dark curly hair and big brown eyes just like her brothers. She would've been the sweetest baby ever. Donte would've been thrilled to have a baby sister. Amon would've loved her like she was his child. Judah would've been jealous,lol, but cuddled her so much. Desmon would've been beside himself, and overwhelmed with love and the need to protect her. I would've been, there are no words to describe it. All of these would haves let me tell you what she is. She is a princess in heaven. She is loved deeply, by those gone before us, and by those of us waiting to meet her. She is in the arms of Jesus,Grandma Runyon and Grandma Naomi. Her name is Ella Louise... I love and miss you Ella xoxo

Turn Around <---

Life is Hard.
I could just leave this statement and relate to you all on that note. But there is something so much more important to relate to you on. Life is hard. Today has been a stressful day for me. There is so much going on around me and in my life that I just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a few weeks. I know you can relate to this. Everyone has times, days like these. Some have more than others. We all handle them differently. My question is why do those of us who know where to find our answers, our help, our strength, our power, our LIFE, why do we not draw from that? Why do we continue to look to ourselves, our friends, our spouses/partners, our problems, drugs, alcohol, so many other sources for peace?
God loves us! He really does. THere are a few people in my life right now that I just want to remind how much God loves them, including myself, the others, I hope you read this.
God created all of the beauty in life just for you! It would be here for you if you were the only person ever created. You are his child he created you with love and care. He delivered you into this world with awesome hopes and expectations for you. All the love in the world couldn't describe a tenth of how much he loves you. YOU. When life seems so hard remember this!
Trying to grasp this is so hard, but I'm trusting God to minister it to our hearts more and more everyday. So turn around, and remember this, quit going to all the other stuff to find your LIFE and turn to the one who is LIFE and LOVE.

Revival! What will it take?

God,
There are moments when I'm so overwhelmed and enraptured in your love.When I just want to sing and dance and shout for the joy You have given me. I have an ever ready hope that has grown in my heart, even in my dark moments I can draw on that hope. I have a desire to see others experience this love that has flooded my heart and the value that I experience as Your beloved daughter. I just want to run and run and tell everyone about you.
But so many others, including other christians,including myself at times, are so stuck on the life here on earth and the problems that they face and the stress and weaknesses that we deal with here. People are so indifferent about life, and about their souls and the souls of those that they love.
What will it take God, to see a true revival, to see people on fire for You! How can we live continually in Your grace and mercy? And also with your fervor to see renewal in souls and revival in spirits?
Let's rise up and reach out Christians. Let us reach out to God and continually be renewed and revived so that we can reach out to the lost and weary, with the strength and confidence of God and see hearts made whole and fire's lit under people and see salvation spread through our homes, families, cities, and nation!

27 years to remember

Has it really been 27 years that I've been here? It seems like such a short amount of time, yet so much has happened in the world, in my family, in my life, in my own heart.
I can look back over the last twenty seven years and see what all I have been, what titles I have held, many of which I am not proud. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I was an adulterer, I was hateful, I was selfish, I was disrespectful and unkind. The good that God placed in me at birth was fading more and more each year.
But God allowed me to come to a place where I knew, I saw how badly, how deeply I needed Him, how much my soul longed for Him, how my heart cried out for His love. Not the love of a man. But the love of God.
Slowly but surely I have begun to be reminded, by the word of God and His still small voice, who I really am. Apart from all the darkness that had begun to grow up inside of me, I began to see the beauty and the purpose for which I was really created.
I was not created for all of these horrible things but to be loved by the living God. To be a tool through which His light can shine. I can rise up and see all that he has done in my life. Brought me from so much. I am not the same person. I am stronger, lighter, loving, a princess.
Moving forward into whatever God has for me is my heart's desire.

A Letter to My Daughter

I have a daughter. She left me very early. I never even got to meet her here. I know I will meet her in heaven one day though. I'll be able to look into her big beautiful eyes, with the same long lashes as her brothers. I'll stroke her soft dark curls and hold her for hours.
What I am writing now she will never need. I am writing what I would've told her (and will tell any daughter's I may have in the future) had she lived and grown on this earth.
This is not only for my daughter's but all of the daughter's of God.
First of all, you are beautiful. God created every woman with beauty, no matter what she looks like. You are beautiful because you reflect part of Him.
You are a princess in every way. You were created to live and be treated as such. You were not created for the harsh conditions of this world. You were created to live and walk and bask in the presence of the Living God. You were created to be treated carefully and preciously. You were created to dance, love, sing, laugh and enjoy life.
You are God's beautiful princess. He desires to hold you in His hand's and love you and protect you, and to see His joy and peace in your eyes.
You are strong. Not in the ways that a man is strong, but in the ways God knew women would need to be strong to survive this world.
Your love is strong and fierce. It goes beyond words. The love women feel as mothers is similar to the love that God feels for His children.Your love can break down walls and build up strong men and women with hearts for God.
Your faith is strong. As women the faith we can have in those we love can be unfathomable. Make sure your faith is in God and those who truly know him.
You are delicate. Not only are women delicate physically but also spiritually and emotionally. Some women would disagree with me on this. But I believe God created us this way for a reason. Your body, spirit and emotions are like precious jewels. None of these aspects of you are meant to be handled harshly or by many people. They are delicate and should be kept only for those who will handle them carefully.
With your body, do your best to keep it healthy and beautiful in the eyes of God. Remember it is His temple.
With your emotions, do not throw them about freely and do not let others stir them up excessively. They are good when used properly but they are not meant to be your guide.
With your spirit, this is the part of you that is the most precious to God. But remember it is also affected by every other aspect of your being and life. So guard it carefully and diligently please.
Above all my beautiful Princess, remember that you are a daughter of the Living God. You are precious and set aside to do His perfect will. And He loves you... enough that He sacrificed His Son for you.

Love,
Mama

P.S.
I can't wait to see you in heaven...