Tired of fighting.

I know that God has said that his burden is light. But I feel so weighed down. I know he has said not to grow weary. But I am so so tired.
I don't know were to go from here.
I feel like I have to FIGHT for everything in my life.
I have to fight for peace.
I have to fight for my sanity.
I have to fight for my children.
I have to fight for my marriage.
I have to fight for my family.
I have to fight for my relationship with God.
I am so tired of fighting. I don't know where to draw strength from anymore. I try and draw from the Lord. but it drains so quickly. I don't know how to be any stronger. I don't know were to turn from here. I am so alone. I'm losing my grip and I'm scared to fall. Will anyone catch me if I fall? I've always caught everyone else, who will catch me? Or will I fall to my end? GOD!!! Where are you? Please help me!!!! I am so tired. I can't go on like this much longer.
Will someone please catch me. Just reach out a hand and help me, please!!
Where is this strength, this river that will keep me always? Have I wondered away from it, if I have, I am sorry, HOW DO I GET BACK? How do I psh on through this?

Mourning

Sometimes I sit and mourn the things that I've missed out on. Thing's that I should've had, but was denied. I have been so blessed, but I have also been denied many thing's that as a child of the Living God I feel, I know I am entitled to. There are so many thing's. I won't list them all as I don't wan to hurt anyone's feeling's. But the hurt for me is deep and painful. I wonder if it was me, was I not someone to be loved enough to recieve these thing's? Was I not valued? Why did I not recieve the same blessing's bestowed on many other's that I see? How do I fill this void?

Trusting Him for beauty...

The last year has been a really rough one for me. It seems that through the building of my character there comes a lot of pain, fear, sorrow , and dissapointment. I know that might sound odd, but God is showing me that NOTHING is out of my strength, but all His. I thought I was doing thing's out of His but it was mostly out of my own. He is also showing me that despite what I thought was best for our family and what I wanted, while it wasn't wrong, it might not line up with His plans.There are some things that I'm really struggling to let go of, and it's not even that God has said "No" to these things he's just said "wait and trust, and I will do what's best for you".
This is the hardest part for me. Waiting. Trusting. In my head I keep going "well what if" or
"but it makes me so sad to let go". His Grace. His Grace. His Grace. That is the only way I will ever make it through this. I want so badly to know the future and to have security in my life and in the desires of my heart. Unfortunately on this earth, I can never have these thing's 100%. But I hold tightly to the fact that I have Heaven and an Awesome, Awesome Father waiting for me.
There are two verses that have helped me through this all.

Jeremiah 29:11:
11For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
Amplified Bible
Deuteronomy 31:8
8It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm].

This song I've also posted helps me so much. " I give it all to you God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiOL7PIi0o&feature=colike

Through the storm

Lately I have been wishing I could paint or draw, but I can't. That is not my gifting. But I can write! So I am going to "paint" if you will, with my words.





I open my eyes in the morning, this place I am in is unfamiliar, and frightening. I don't know how I got here, but I don't want to be here. "Why am I here?" I cry.





I am in one of those glass bottles that you sometimes see ships in. There is a storm raging in this bottle and within myself. I can see beyond the bottle the peace of everyday life. I can see my loved ones, even myself going through the motions.





Yet I am here in the midst of this horrifying storm. The clouds are as dark as the night sky, the lightning is sharp and forceful. The thunder is deafening and the rain and hail feel as though they pierce my skin. "Why am I here, Lord have mercy on me!"





It doesn't stop, it continues, it seems to go on for eternity. I fall on my face, the wind and rain continue to rush around me. The pain seems unbearable, "How will I survive this? Lord help me!" Then a hand touches my shoulder, I look up and there He sits next to me. Jesus. Weeping, with and for me, crying out to God on my behalf. The storm is still raging but my Jesus is here with me, that makes the pain and horror a little more bearable.





Slowly the storm settles to a mild rain. Sadness still overtakes me at times as does the fear, but I am now standing, holding the hand of my Lord and Savior. He was with me through it all the horrible storm and will stay with me forever.





Even when the sun's warmth touches my face and the raging storm has long since moved on He will stand rejoicing with me.





But for now the rain falls on our feet along with our tears, my hand is warmed by His and I know the sun will shine again.

Rose Petals

I sit here, worrying, again. I worry a lot. Well worrying at all is pointless, yet here I sit. My biggest fear is losing my children to hell, my second biggest fear is losing my children when they are young. I love these boys so much!

When I was younger, before I was married or had children. I wanted so badly to be loved, especially by a man. I wanted to be "his" favorite, at the top of "his" list, "his" priority, "his" love. I wanted to be important enough that "he" would die for me. Who is "he" you ask? Any man. I wanted somewhere to feel safe and loved and important. I wanted to know that "he" would do anything for me. I looked in the worst possible places for this man. I chose men who didn't even begin to know how to love a woman in these ways. They didn't know how and I didn't know who. I did crazy stupid things that could have cost me my life, to try and get these men to "love" me. Needless to say, it never worked, not once. I got, what I considered close to finding love, but it somehow always crashed.

God knew. It was Him. He was the one who could love me this way. I was His favorite, I was at the top of His list, I was His priority and His love. He had died for me and would do anything for me. He is the ultimate romancer, He knew me better than I knew myself, He knew exactly how to win me over. He knew where I was headed and that I was on a path toward life as a single parent. He knew that I needed to be loved on this earth by a man, and that this would help lead me to Him.

He set out my rose petals. As I walked, or should I say stumbled through my first pregnancy alone, he began to set out "rose petals". The father of my first child wanted nothing to do with me, and there was a rose petal, my parents welcomed me back home and promised to be there for me. I was lonely and scared and there was a rose petal of friends who were there for me and kept me company. As I went on to have my child and the pain I felt wondering how his father couldn't love him, there was a rose petal, God began to show me how he loved me the way I loved my child.

As I have gone on through life there have been many thorns, but behind them all there has always been a beautiful, soft rose petal.

Today God showed me an amazing rose petal. I wanted to be loved, by a man. Now in my life do I not only have the realization of God's love, but I also have the love of an amazing husband, who would do anything for me, but I also have the love of three little boys, who I would do anything for. And the most amazing thing of all is that not only am I recieving an abundance of that love that I desired for so long, but I get to raise these three little men to love their wives the way that Christ loves the church, that they would love so purely and sincerely that they would lay down their lives for their wives and families.

I do not need to fear for my children. They are in God's hand's just as I was. He loves them. He has long life and blessing's planned for them!

So why am I worried? There will always be rose petals!

Not Made for this World

There are days when I find myself so weary. I long so, so badly for ...
I can't put my finger on it.
I long for something I cannot reach, not from here.
I long for a connection that is supernatural.
I long for someone to truly see my soul.
I long to be loved perfectly.
I long
Oh how I long...
For HOME.
"Home?" you say,
"What do I mean?" you ask,
This is not my home!
I do not belong here!
I was not created for this place!
I was not created to experience sickness, sorrow, pain, dissapointment, rejection, war, poverty, loss, seperation or hate. I was NOT created to experience the many, many downfalls of this earth, I was not created to live and grow and flourish in a place were evil rules.
No I was created for something much greater. I was created to bask in the Glory of an almighty God. I was created to shine with the same glory. I was created to be loved perfectly. I was created to love others perfectly. I was created to be accepted. I was created to be perfect. I was. So were you.
I was created to rest in the strong arms of my awesome Father. I was created to praise and love Him with all my heart, soul, strength and all my mind. He loves me like this. And you.
No you see I was created for something much greater than this earth. So much greater. And someday I will be Home. And I will be in Perfect Love and Peace at all times.
Oh how I long for that day, how I long to be home with my Daddy.

2 Corinthians 5:8
" We are confident, I say, to be away from the body and at home with the Lord."

A Blank Pallet

You did not start as a blank pallet. Though many think this is so.

A blank pallet is empty and formless. It has no beauty or ugliness, no good or evil, no character or thought. It is nothing.

You did not begin as nothing. You began as something glorious and marvelous. So beautiful one cannot stand to gaze upon you, but cannot bare to look away.

You began with so much love. So much good and potential. You began with the strength to move mountains, the power to raise the dead, and the faith to love the unlovable.

You began pure and holy with no weakness or bondage. You began as no other creation has.


You see you did not begin as a blank pallet, but as a mirror. A mirror that reflects the perfect image of God.

Unfortunately this world is not made to preserve mirrors.

As the years go by and life happens, we become smudged, scratched, weak and broken.

BUT,

There is one thing and one thing only that can restore us back to that glorious reflection of God.

GRACE.

Grace doesn't even just put us back together for there would still be cracks. Grace makes us into an entirely new mirror again. Grace allows to reflect the perfect image of God, no matter how many times life cracks us.

You were never a blank pallet. You always have been and always will be a mirror. it is up to you what you reflect.